I’d always felt different to everyone else. I knew something was different and I kind of had a clue what it was. I was very camp and androgynous. I just wanted to be like everyone else. I had a few girl mates and we’d say we were girlfriend and boyfriend being young, and sure I did see girls as hot and I still do, I’m not the kind of gay guy who only sees boys as attractive, no way haha like have you seen the booty on Beyonce :O hot damn. But while I saw girls as attractive I knew there wasn’t any emotional attraction to them. When I realized I might be gay, I really didn’t want to be. I hated the thought because all my life I had been taught that it was wrong to choose that, but I knew I definitely didn’t choose this. So I tried hard to be straight, my perception of ‘normal’ but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t rid myself of the emotional attraction I had for males.
I was bullied a lot for the way I acted and because I have a soft voice, I was called queer, a freak, gay; faggot, anal boy, gay-siah, so much shit like that and I left school because of it and had to just be taught at home. I felt that being away from boys my age I’ll lose the attraction, but I really couldn’t have been more wrong. In fact my attraction grew stronger being isolated. I was confused, I felt alone. I didn’t want to be gay, I couldn‘t. So I told myself I liked girls still and told girls I liked them, because I felt that I did, I forced myself to like them even though I knew I was just lying to myself.
I had guy mates and we’d talk about girls and I’d lie about how much I liked chicks just to hide it from them and hoping maybe it would cure me. I just denied it to everyone including myself. Hearing the word ‘gay’ made me feel so shitty because growing up in a religious household I was raised to know that being gay was wrong and a sin that deserved death. I prayed so much to god to make me normal, to help me. But nothing changed.
Glee was a show that I loved but left me a little confused, there is the gay character Kurt and I didn’t act exactly like him and I guess I was focusing mainly on the stereotypes so it made me feel a little better. I didn’t dress like him and my hair wasn’t so perfect and I didn’t flick my hand around and I wasn’t so… gay acting. So I thought huh, I mustn’t be gay then YAY. Even though the attractions were there, but still hey I’m not gay. Crazy huh, yeah I like boys but I’m not gay :O Hahahaha. Anyways I knew I was being stupid so eventually I left that boat behind.
At 14 I went out online looking for gay men and talked to them and stuff, had phone sex, did stupid things of that kind. I lost my virginity to some random which started a ripple effect and I just wanted to bang every boy on the block, and I did meet quite a few. I thought… This is what this is about, sex. I felt weird since all my life I had dreamed of marrying a girl and having kids and living my life raising a family with her, then when I realized I was into boys, and might be gay my world fell apart.
I had no acceptance for myself at all, I felt all alone in the world because all these guys I was having sexual connections with all seemed to be fine and satisfied. I felt nobody would love me or accept me or know who I really am. So I felt so broken.
Eventually when I was 15 I joined musical theatre, our town was running a production of Grease and being with civilization more I decided to take up a new name ‘Joey’ that couldn’t be rhymed with anything homosexual at all, I felt more safer with that name and slowly that solidified into being what everyone called me, anyways in Grease there was a woman their named Mel who I grew connected to and I remember sitting with her and at the time I hadn’t told anyone in my life that I liked boys so when she asked me ‘Your gay right?’ I full on panicked inside. So I said ‘no, well I don’t know, kind of, I like both I guess’ and that made me feel better. Being in that theatre I thought well all the guys here are probably gay (how wrong I was) and so I felt safe there to be honest and when I started telling a few that I was ‘bisexual’ and they told me that it was cool and there’s nothing wrong with it. There was one boy who was an asshole but meh I didn’t care too much since most people didn’t like him anyway. Eventually I became involved with other gay guys and while I kept saying I was ‘bisexual’ I knew from then that I really wasn’t alone and that so many other guys and girls even are just as insecure as I was about themselves.
I went back to school and just came out as ‘bisexual’ pretty much straight away. A lot frowned on me but majority didn’t care. They accepted it. I told my cousin around that time that I was ‘bisexual’ and she was a little like ‘eww’ but she realized I was still me either way and opened up to me and now it’s not even anything important, I’m just her big gay cousin bestie :D hahaha. But she was really the one that helped me accept I was gay and not bisexual. The way she just embraced it and she asked me ‘are you sure you’re not just gay’ and I realized I’d been denying it and took a breath and said ‘yeah I’m gay, I think I definitely am’. She’s definitely one of my favourite people ever. I love her a lot. And since I’ve told nearly everyone that I was gay, corrected things haha that I’m not bisexual, and most of them really didn’t care to much and didn’t see me any differently.
It was around the end of 2012 and I was in the production of Footrot Flats when I met a guy and I fell for him. He was everything I wanted to be. He was gay and proud of it, he was into theatre and singing like I was, we had a lot in common, he was nearly twice my age but it didn’t worry me, I wanted him and I wanted to one day be the same as him. But meh I thought I wanted that but it turned out he was just a jerk and wanted me only for my body. That devastated me so I wanted to be straight even more now so I wouldn’t get that pain, but I knew that was impossible, I knew in this year being gay was more then just sex and I knew I wanted more then just that. So I moved on eventually and I found out so much about myself, I realize I thrive from love. I’ve gone from fling to fling, heartbroken every time but I still keep looking cause well that’s a big part of who I am. Having a guy in my life just keeps me content. Though I’m trying to learn to make myself content just being myself. It’s still a process. This year I’ve realized who I am to the fullest and where I want to be and what I want in life. This has been one of my best years ever. They said then end of 2012 would bring changes and stuff and it did for me, so much.
I had more flings and things after him, and that’s actually how my parents found out. Really they’re my grandparents but I just call them my parents because they raised me. But I was interested in a guy and I used to like reading back on my messages to guys. So I emailed them to my kindle, anyway I didn’t realize I accidentally sent it to them instead and the next day everything tipped upside down. They were not happy with it. Well, actually they aren’t that happy with it still. I had been caught once and was able to slither out of it but this time I really couldn’t. I told my side that I had always felt that way and that I’ve tried to change but I can’t. I told my nana everything I could about my feelings and how I’ve never felt anything for girls in the way I should. I was terrified; I was scared they would kick me out. That I’d be even more alone. That I’d probably end up dead cause I’d have nothing. I wouldn’t see my 2 brothers again. Everything was just too much for me. But she knows now and I didn’t have any of that happen, I was just paranoid because they’re really against being gay as they’re very religious. They hiss whenever anything gay comes on and nana still talks to me about marrying a girl and one day things will change and stuff though I know she’s denying the fact that I am gay. My uncle (her son) is gay too and she still doesn’t really accept that fact either.
My sister came out to me this year that she was bisexual and into girls a little bit. She’s only 11 so she has challenges ahead which I will obviously help her through. Nana found out about her and wasn’t happy with it either. My littlest brother is also very androgynous and so charismatic so Nana is also scared he might be LGBT and is always trying to make him the way she wants him to be but I hope one day she will stop fearing all of this and realize you can’t stop nature.
Now as I speak today I’m so proud of myself. I’ve gone through such a journey to get to where I am and it was all worth it because I love who I am so much now.
To the haters who made me feel down but now no longer affect me all I can say is a big fat ‘thank you’ thank you so much, you’ve done me so well, you’ve taught me to accept myself. Thank you for all the times you’ve called me queer, faggot, gay, homo, just kudos to you, I know who and what I am now and you guys have just made me so happy for helping me see that. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you for what you’ve done for me.
I do hope one day my parents will learn to accept me and maybe be at my wedding or be happy with a guy I choose to be with for the rest of my life and accept everything, but I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up. They have very strong religious beliefs but it’s a hope of mine that one day things will be okay in that area.
To those out there who have been or are in this situation, remember you are not alone. It may hurt to know that you can never change this. Because there’s nothing to change, you are who you are and you are beautiful for that. Show strength and courage in your journey. Embrace the empty words of your haters because they will help you in your future. Take your time; you have all the time in the world. A friend of mine told me something that helped a lot. ‘Your sexuality is not who you are, you don’t even need to be fully sure of it until you want to or you feel your ready’ and I agree, live life rather then spend time panicking and worrying over those feelings because inside you know who you are and that’s all that really matters.
Love who you are because love is what makes this world go around. I didn’t believe in myself, I felt I had so many enemies in this world who hated me because of my sexuality but I realized that I was my own enemy, but I’m good now and I wish the best for all you beautiful people out there who are coming to this stage in life and even those who have embraced themselves, have an amazing life. You can do it and it gets better. Thank you for listening.
